..and then it seems we are not supposed to ask questions but just listen to the sermon of life..because it seems we are ..well..you are just not supposed to ask WHY.

..so 2012 ending  had a much sadder sorrier surprise for all of us much like the whole year..and that is the BIG C decided to make a way into our lives anyway.Quite a big blow for all the believers who thought C is heredity..It comes to people who are always in some trouble because their family members don't care for them too well..It comes to those who work too hard for their family..and the many more assumptions people had about it...and so It seems again we need to just listen to the verdict and not think about the big WHY.

..and it seems humans are born to be suffered for reasons not to be asked and some are meant to enjoy of course.. reaping their benefits right at time but then why are the good ones not spared in this war ..Well you know ..you are not supposed to ask WHY.
 

..and then I sometimes think would we have gone for such long lengths if there were absolutely no questions from anyone...If life was more than just coming back from work and watching TV ..If it has not been so many friends with kids around you..If life has been more ( meaning what ? ) ..not exactly sure.And which got me thinking what kind of life would have made me happy. Life would have been a complete thing

1) If I was not a developer but a Product Manager.
2)If I had a musical show every month.
3) If my art show was just around the corner.
4) If there was a big bash for the oncoming product launch.
5) If there was some thing always around like a birthday party of a friend , a family function or just a party.But would the picture be complete without the costly habit of drinking?


Yes then I would not have gone so much length as I am going now.Probably.

..and with every ending of a project my spirits dip and take some time to come back.Yes dear friend Life has to go on and the sad part this time is ..I am not sure I will be able to work for the rest of the time here.Yes things have to get difficult . Impossible every onset of winter I realize that Life is no better than last year.There are more responsibilities but none less ..and the other things are the same.The more you earn the more there is to spend.The respite is never near. So I come to another winter and another phase of being jobless...and yes I am sad.

But then 'One day at a time'.

The thrill of holding a new fresh book and reading to the end is really making me thirsty.

There is one month left on this project and already my worry pangs are standing straight.Well what ever happens ..there is a reason for it.If life was just about working then things would have been simple but then work is not the end of life and as far as I see it there are couple of months on hand where I might not work.And how do I fill these long dreary months of winter with some activity.God help me.

I am so ready to start a fashion blog of my own. I am almost itching.Maybe one fashion post a week would do.

Midwest Trip

..and 'BAM' the blogger buttons get enabled at work place. And work place is when my harmones are at its high acting level and my emotions see a real roller coaster.So my blog sees some light again.

Our trip was to Chicago, Kansas and St. louis. The midwest in the US is the most scenic ,peaceful and beautiful. It might seem quaint ,distant and lonely but held its own charm.If you ask me what is the first thing you would remember from the trip then I would say 'Sunflowers' and straight roads.Small birds flying over fields.The hay bundles in neat rolls in the fields.The colorful midwest sky which is God's true canvas to paint.

I wish I could give a true definite picture of Mid West in USA.But then I can only write that your eye captures in its dimensions.How do you actually express the message which the nature there is trying to express in its style.For one thing its quiet.Heavy rush hour on the road I mean outside the big cities is one car some 2 miles before you and another one maybe half a mile behind you.I wonder how would a californian would react to that.

Vivid colors,mix and match hues.And 'Chicago' downtown .. one look shows the real stub born nature of the people who decided to stay there.Europeans, mexicans ,muslims and indians ..all under one roof.to think that there were just 50 people in 1870 to millions in 2012 it has come a long way.Just for a reminder : A picture can only capture one dimension of a palce.

Of TV , bed bugs ,cute babies and Life.

To tell what is is happenings in life in nutshell it can be summarized to these 4 words.

Meenakshi Sheshadri

..wondering why my thoughts are directed towards her all of a sudden.Was browsing you tube videos ..yeah I know that's what all work less childless people do and came across the old video which I saw in home many years back.So I watch this video  and of course wondered what happened to her now.And bang I google and see this pretty picture of her with family in US.

To turn from a hot actor to a home-next door neighbour she I think has faced all the more problems than any normal woman faces in US.But did it not occur to her before marrying? I mean how can a actor who hops between studios with a car and driver always at her disposal moves to US. What did she expect to be there here. Now she runs a small dance school for the NRI children here.If she might have been in India I am sure she would have given more shows and been more content with her work.

On what else I am doing..Cleaned the house like some devil came into me and ended up having body aches all over.Thanks to a vacuum cleaner which weighs a ton.There are days when you hate everything  and I think today was just like that. Partly because of how much time I spent alone.Right from college days to 3 years down my marriage life the pattern of life did not change much.The same problem after problem cropping ..the same loneliness ..the same waiting for some thing to happen...The same bloody fucking pattern..Oh today was too much time alone.Thanks to hubby who did not want me to tail him.

On what else I saw in you tube ..'What not to wear'..I think I saw the nth episode today and reaffirmed my belief that your external look can definitely change your internal make-up...and more than that its the baggage people carry with them.Childhood inhibitions. I think many of us dont grow from them.As a kid growing up and as adult I wanted to be tall. Well Its not possible for the whole population to be tall..So it is important to embrace who you are and dress as per the our body type.No one teaches these things in school and by the time we realize this stuff we would have lost so many precious years.

Eswari Atta

...so there has been a second demise of an eldely member in our family.The wife of my current eldest mama. It was pretty sad business.One moment we heard she had stomach ache and the second moment we know she had a massive heart attack. The help arrived in 5 mts ..well thanks to 911.She lingered for 3 weeks in ICU before they declared her no more. The good thing is she was with her husband, son and grand children.No harsh pictures on that side.The funny thing we dont have even the numbers of our mama and atta in US. Thats how discreet they are now. Keeping to them selves and their immediate families. No communication with any one else except the ones who do some work to them.

But the families were not always like this. There were days when we all used to visit each other houses unlike now.Our huge families with the big gang of children.I cant say we were favourite to any one but then there was our elder mama to keep us all together.

Well this post was to remember once and for all my atta and mama who did Siva Parvati kalyanam for 15 grand years or more. My child hood memories of them is they sitting in that small room of the temple and completing the rituals of the family as promised to elders...and getting irritated on every one else for the tideous task. God talks to those who cant hear him well.

..felt strangely sad today for my last project. For a second all the memories of the past one year zoomed to form a long stream of slides.My walking to the Irvine Metro station everyday..the body aches I had in the beginning on carrying the laptop always. Especially the walk from Anaheim station to Sempra which was the scary one because during that 10 mts i felt like humas did not exist on this planet and only cars existed. My work on saturdays and sundays over the vauge requirements. Gosh I did give a lot for this project and spent a lot of free time thanks to the lenient client. It has been three weeks since I left the project and people today have come back saying that they need a document specifying the functional requirements of the past 8 months work. Well I felt like laughing @ them.Gave it anyway smiling to myself on the commented and missing code.I have no idea of who did it . But it turned out to be pretty sad business any way.Seriously thinking about alternative careers.

..and my eternal search for the correct horoscopes keeps coming back to me again and again .I keep searching for daily horoscopes ,monthly horoscopes and yearly predictions searching for the one line which would be a relief for every one.But instead of that I get only my period. :-).

..my posts are so out of grammer .It makes me shrink to read and too lazy to correct them.Then just when i was moping about the way things are some one laughs at me so hard and calls me a moron.Because as per that person I really dont know the value of life and how to enjoy it.I laughed out hard for the first time since days.

So i managed to make a friend with a girl down stairs who treats with filter coffee everyday. The poor girl is also stuck at home and is waiting to join college.So today we went for a walk and the weather unlike everyday was so good.The air was so fresh and crispy. And not to mention the beautiful nature which was so vibrant with colors . Spring and Pennsylvania are two beautiful ladies to swoon by.I just dont have enough words to write and describe it but one word for spring here is 'Riot of colors'.I hope we can make it to long wood gardens before spring ends :-).

Laziness and Reluctance

..can be called my current mood. Where did things go wrong for me basically? Is it my attitude or just how things should be. For a few days now i am trying to evaluate what is actually wrong with me. why did I get into this mode of shifting through jobs. Its some times a real pain when i remember the things i say. ?Like in the last project i was always saying that the project should end so that i can start for a fresh one.but heart of hearts i actually did not mean it.It was just the frustration of  the work and the distance.I started my last project with real interest in my work and as far as I was capable i worked hard enough for it.Trying to cope with long distance messages and requirements. I did fairly well til one point.Maybe i should have travelled more as needed by the project.Whoa ! Shit.

..and so when every time I try to write something these days they either end in one line or I press backspace and erase what I write.Its simply too dull to write about my own life. and when ever i write something its such a big hush hush that I feel its better to keep it inside me.Or much worse than all these is when ever i write a few lines like just now I automatically open another browser and open facebook,you tube.Oh God I really wish I never knew facebook and did not have the mad craze to watch pictures.I mean i think I crossed the borders of sanity.
Since i lost another job in April once again which hubby pointed out shrewdly a few days back I have been really wondering on this strange coincidence.Which made me think once again of why did we create this predicament to ourselves ? Why did we pose as strong people who knew our business? I think we are different set of people who don't know how to be at home or take complete responsibility of things either .

..and then you understand that there is no way to go.Cry or laugh this is what is to take.Like it Or Leave it.So better smile and take it..or still better laugh and enjoy it.Suffering from terrible cold from past two days and again the fear of taking any tablet just intensifies every thing.Have to call and find out if it is safe to take paracetamol with these ones.Oh lord of medicines you need to take care of me in this.

..and then this week end passed.The week end with doubts,fears and all kinds of dramatized thoughts.The meds. They are driving me crazy and the thing is no one understands the real pain of the fear in taking them.The kind of cramps I experienced last week were enough to scare the hell out of me.Fear which haunts me these days ,day and night.And to think that life has not even started with kids makes me wonder ..Am i fit for the process? God why do you make me go through everything under the sun.A laaate marriage, experience with the whole world in getting done so, Early demise of father ..a mom who faces the brunt of this bloooody world.I hate u.

..and then it all comes back to you when you hear some one saying that he had stomach ache before passing away. You know now what to say.." I am sorry for what happened"..!

What time teaches you again and again.

..kalyan went on a 3 day trip to los angeles.We stayed together for 3 weeks this time .When we were together it did not matter but the moment he stepped into the air port i started to miss him...I mean right away.When we were together its not like we do anything together except eating but the minute there is no company every thing becomes precious. oh mere mann! tu kyun itna baaavara hain.What i keep thinking again and again is why dont we spend quality time doing something together.But we are just two lazzzy hogs who can do only one thing in common.Sleeping ..sleeping and sleeping.sic.

my mom sent me some kurtis last month though a relative and they finally arrived yesterday.The minute i opened it I felt like a piece of home has come here in mail.The selection is definitely 'Amma' selection.Her taste is something i know very well.For a flash I went back to those days when wearing a new dress and going to work was the big thing for the day.The head bath specially for the dress, the walk to bus top..Man I should say we had a good life.

And apart from that I brought few cardigans online specially for work.Thing in which Iwould look nice and cover up the formal wear beneath.Well I was happy even with them.There is nothing i think except shopping & clothes...and slowly I am turning to online shopping addict.

To tell a friend

that you mastered the art of cleaning dishes!

I come to this blog in the hope of venting my thoughts but there are just some thing which hold me back and give me a hard look.I freeze and I cant write anymore.What ever you call it. I just can't write more than 5 lines at anytime in this blog.
The nice thing about last week or the last week of 2011 was my air flight expense. I am able to breathe easy since they are finally released and I got the first check of my September air fare last week.
But again the same check went into some thing so unexpected.The coming and going flow does not stop at all.