The cat is out

Finally it happened , last Sunday ...the dream of my father , mother and bro..I got engaged in the morning hours of 27 April . Now i carry a ring on my right hand finger which thank god is weightless and does not remind me of its existance. So finally its over and done ..the marriage is scheduled in the coming next months and I will be moving to Chennai leaving Deloitte and sweet Hyd ..There is still some time for it. Well I am done with my part.Things are taking their own course now and people at home are pretty excited about the whole thing. I am slowly leaking the news to friends, and one who reads this blog i know will be quite angry with me for not telling but to tell the truth i my self took some time in digesting and adjusting to the idea.Well Its finally done now.
I am still not very close to the 'guy' , but definitely he is the one who is more happy and shows it on his lit up face. Lucky one i should say , who just met one girl , got the best ! ;) and took the opportunity without losing time .Wow! what a stroke of luck . Frankly speaking i was not for it ..even now when i am speaking to him its not like i am marrying some one i know , some one i can relate with easily like i have done in past ..its an effort to smile , which shows pretty well in the pics !!! (and people politely suggesting me to smile more ) ..
My source of smile comes from the lit up faces of my family , aunts (who liked the 'guy' more than me ) , the proud look when they had on their faces when i was standing on the dias of the hall , from the lit up face of my dear friend , from the happiness of the fact that the 'guy' and me look good , what ever be the other things ...
The whole thing was worth one thing , my people and the way they were just a step behind ' for if i needed any thing '..my akka was fixing my armlet ..my aunt was worried that the Saree was too heavy , but again proud that i was looking good in that color ..my relatives musing over the 'vaddanam' which me and mom painfully selected some time back ..that also came after a lot of fighting with dad ..he wanted some thing , we wanted some thing ..finally he gave up and we won ..and now he is happy that it looks so well .
So today morning when i saw for the first time my snaps , i felt a strange sense of wonder of 'Is it me there ?'

I am so frustrated with myself , i wish i could leave myself some where and return after some time.

The best actor .!

I can be given this award in the Oscars.!
I have made it i mean the decision and it seems i am going to marry one guy after 3 months .. before that there will be an engagement the next Sunday . So yesterday me with my cousins and people have hunted for a hall and got it fixed for the coming Sunday ..it seems it is a good day and the total city is booked ... how quickly things change.. To speak the truth i don't know what is happening and go abt things in a silent manner . I act as if it is a matter of fact and have made the choice ....I am not able to some how see the happy faces around me ..i mean i get angry ..what is there to get so excited abt the whole thing ..
I am here ..trying to digest the fact that i should be leaving a good job and search some where ..the company whom people are normally dying to get into i will be just throwing away ..
Life is just a silly struggle and it seems such a waste of energies to plan so much for it.dont do any planning , its a waste.

I am getting engaged the next Sunday ..we will be in a hotel or some place and the guy will put a ring on my finger ..it seems so..so finally the gods have bestowed on my fate a guy whom i am to spend the rest of my life with..

Its purely a compromise on my part and has nothing to do with likes , wishes , dislikes my idea of whom to marry ..It has come . I have said yes because i am tired of running this race and want to settle down..There is nothing very impressive in the whole thing..matter of convenience for that guy and me..that's all..i think he has thought abt it in this fashion..this girl is there ..she gets decent income to support her selves..the house and family seems decent..The girl is acting positive..yes i was talking very positively since the night before i have taken an oath to myself ..that is not to meet another guy..So mechanically i have highlighted only the positive points..Yes i am a cheater and am cheating myself and him also..There's seems no go about the whole thing..

my father and relatives have gone to their place today to talk abt 'laanchanmulu'..hearing their discussion i thought i Will go mad..There seems to be high light only on one thing 'the girl gets good income ..the girl gets good income..I know how much hard it has been to survive in this position and how difficult will it be in getting a job again..only i know it!!!

Even any one who has known me in my high times will see me now ..will know the difference..i am so tired i think i can take sleeping pills and sleep un endingly..i only think of how to sleep and forget at the whole issue..but this is where i am wrong ..i am not supposed to act like his ..i am supposed to be positive abt the whole hing..but the guy has nothing int resting to tell me..i am the one who talk more here.and i am tired..i am only marrying because i my parents think i cant get a better match than this in future at the age of 27 ..so i have decided to put break to all the marching people into my home..and have said 'yes'. my father is highly excited abt the whole thing and is in cloud 9 from 2 days.. and as a person ..I am telling i just want to get of this house ..i am sick now ..with hoping that things can get better tomm and nothing happening ..

I always had some strength inside me to get out of an situation and survive it..but this time i have failed completely and badly..

If this is how people get married ..kudos to all the people who got married ..

dil hain ki manta nahin..

I not able to assimilate things now ...they have gone beyond control and are looming so large that its frightening the wits out of me..

all this time i thought that when i meet the right person i would know it clearly..

but what i planned has been swept with the tide and has left me gaping at things happening around..

No one should have such bad karma..

Info-1

If an object got released with a different package name , that i s not being used now , then goto SM30 give TADIR.table name ..and change the Directory name inside..

With Love.

Dear mama,
Though i wished i had said all these things when you were there , i could not then , not knowing what was life all about..But today when so much has passed and i really feel like an old ancient person inside me..i some how remember how you were always there when i was much younger ..Today on mom's b'day when it slipped my mind like all years and especially now when my mind seems always preoccupied with sluggish froth from past ..I really cursed myself for not wishing it first though i knew ..it would be her last b'day with me in home still .. my immediate thoughts went to how you would send for every occasions cards.. without missing ..you are missed again here ..
Though my missing you is on selfish grounds , I wish you were there like you always were when i was in serious trouble..
Like the time when i was 11 class and a flower pot has bursted very near to hand creating a multi layered gash ..and i cried my heart out ..You could not see me crying like that and used some mantra so that the pain would be transferred to you ..i stopped crying and you became silent and said 'it'z burnign allright ..
Like the time when i was sitting silently knowing i would definitely flunk the exam next day ..u called from one of you r travels some where from north India and said ' I will see what i can do..' .......I passed in that with 31 marks .. !!
Like the way you always said i was a special person no matter what..
It was enough to have you around to feel that strength ..
Today when life is such a mess that i just cannot turn my head back and breath coolly i wish you were there to guide me ..
I hope you have found your abode which you were looking in your next life ..very near to God and living life again!
Remembering you forever ,
KB.

To Write some thing.

I always want to write
some thing like this ..
When the battle of the
dark side Vs bright side
keeps going .
Maybe i will loose it..
But the memoirs of the
battle will always be there ..
Just like the sweet nothings of a
lovers talk.
The lovers disappear .
only the letters remain ..
to be hidden some where
Popping into them
when they are thought to be forgotten.