ghar - paraya ghar.

Well this is about the dissolved resolution to not blog about whats happening. Guys, so i am no longer a hyderabadi, though i still crave for the shopping of churidhars , travelling in cheap autos ( yes they are ) , the just roaming about the place passing through every place and counting the memories and events which have passed through. Its just one memory galore travelling back there. Well every place has its flavour and it is one place which i hope i would always call home. Thinking on the same lines, when you come to really think about the place , if we were really able to get there one day which i can see is not in immediate future, except for old relatives there are no people settled there too. News of cousins visiting for their short vacations , of some friend who has come on a temporary respite from onsite, the dollar counting family friends who strangely pity us for not able to make it there. ..it turned into one strange place.

But of course of all the oddities about the whole people-psychology there is one person whose face would beam at seeing us. Mom. But again the travelling back forth from home to another 'home' is enough to make me exhausted even thinking about it. Waah re khuda kaise thu ghar ko paraya ghar bana sakta hain yeh tu hi jaane.

OK..so I am out again and this time to realize that Life has moved in a huge chunk of time at a pace.So considering what is 2 months from now I realized that I have lagged behind in so many things for what I planned to be at 30.For one thing when I was 22 I was sure that by 30 I would be able to meditate for at least one hour in a row. I stopped meditating a loooong time ago. Looong time..my fathers voice keeps ringing to me ..on how meditation changed his life.

Music ..the one thing my father expected from me and from which I have always shy ed away. Total shy.

..and there is just 2 months from 30.

Having discussed the reason for everything with mom , I can understand one thing , people who are continuously in the thought of Holy things , go fast. It happened with my grandfather , grand mother and my father. They had the same temparment,same trust in God , same spirit .People who think of Him more go there quickly. The funny thing is in the last moments my fathers hands were folded as if he had seen or reached a point of bliss.And some thing else happened.

So to the questions of 'why?' this is the answer. But am I satisfied with it ? No. Mind will go back to it and I will take days to reconcile from the thoughts.The meaning of personal loss cannot be defined.

A reason for everything

..when i was married, I was often wondering what could go wrong now? I mean the major problem of finding the partner is done and the incessant smile on my dad's face was enough to keep things going. But the sixth instinct just smiled and gave me the idea that there would always be something to ponder on and feel sad about. I kept thinking about it for some time before shoving back into mind .The day i heard about dad'd illness I remember the exact cement brick i was sitting on sipping a fruity from hand. I was comfortable that it was just a small illness which most of the men have and nothing to raise a hell. But the exact moment i heard it , I remembered the smirky laugh of my sixth instinct. It was enough to raise an alarm inside my brain.Restless days and nights followed.Plain pain. But seeing my father in good moods always lifted some pain and he was very happy over the choice of his 'alludugaru'. But all the same it was a pain which i could not discuss with any one and it kept gnawing inside my brain. God the instincts of the mind are far faster than anything.

Finally i could not take the pressure of anything and moved to Chennai.The big smile on my parents face and their dropping to the bus stand will always be there in mind because there was huge sad undercurrent on that day, as if I was leaving for forever.

..and when ever there are happy moments and i look for some one to share it , I just remember my smirky instinct which laughs the same old smile.

..my longest search for job has reached its record level of one year..I remember going to an interview last year at this time too.

happy

happy are the days when babies come to home . My cousin sister and family adopted a 6 month baby girl and have named her Nysha . She is cute and her smiles are filling up the house . Have never been so happy in recent times :-)

5 months are close to pass.

....so the white river of snow started to melt and one can see patches of green and black mud underneath it . and so it completes two seasons here and nothing more . What did i get by staying in this country ? Nothing materialistic . I thought that we 2 would become 3 since it is high time any way but i cant see far and far borders of that happening . So anyways the week end saw us doing nothing though actually we are young and are supposed to be out going and all , but nothing worked out . And the strange thing is that there is a reluctance to go out . Its result of 3 months of staying at home . I wanted to make this blog a public one but i cant see that happening with so much personal things to write . now let me write of some nice mundane things . I went to gym on Saturday. It was funny since i forgot the card and the white girl could not understand my last name . Looked like i was speaking very fast. But then it turned out that the card was with hubby's last name .Sunday bought nothing much and it was weird that 3 families tried to go to one place and nothing happened . So nothing to write on that front either . So finally its nothing much to update except that 5 months are close to pass .

but just for the sake of writing ( human factor ) some where i miss snow ( dont want to admit completely though ) fall. (that's just a lie ). one beautiful memory from snow fall : It's night time and when i peep from the drapes , as is my habit before going to sleep i see this snow falling in huge flakes and lo! there is a rabbit near my window . I made no sound and just watched it, watching the snow .It was a tough brown and back combi thing and was just watching the snow . I tapped the window and it kind of looked at me and scampered to its shelter .It might have just strayed from the woods here.

Its morning twilight and the sky is in blue color and there is this snow all over the place untouched and like soft powder under the feet and the air smells so fresh .My feet are the only ones that make an impression on them since its morning 5 30.

We walk on a hard surface and see the marks of trucks around us . We see two people sitting in the center. It is a solidified lake and the two people are snow fishing .

There is just one color and it is white.

And to the time which is running like its is no one's business.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4sAkoyRIE5U

Enjoy madi.

you are happy when you sing.

when you stop singing , you stop being happy. Home ( mom's ) was a musical one , not that i sang every day but inevitably i would plan to learn some thing to sing if i go there . ..hmm like the TV programs would blare with singing shows , my cousin kid sister would hop by with her new ventures in singing ..and then mom would remind me that i had stopped singing . So on the whole i would be singing , may be not all the time but yes attempts would be made to learn the art which requires a continuous learning . And it had its effect . there were more happy hormones flowing through the body .and so just to remind myself about the happy ole days when dad would get out of his bad mood and the house came to its quiet self , this song is a dedication of those times . just see the lyrics , the simple lyrics , no designer labels , just plane song and actors .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtHxrnn9Z5Q. Go on enjoy.

Every afternoon when the silence is too much to bear , KB goes for a super gossip session and comes back with her stomach full . The gossip would be about people she never met, people she doesn't go to meet and the highest mention about the whole thing is about a lady called 'A' who was staying in her house before she came .And then she would hear about all the people around her , people who would meet and have tea with.

If she was at 'B' house then they would gossip about 'C' and when she was it D ' they would gossip about B and C ..and E talks about her at her back. So one the whole , in the tightly knitted gossip community the silence takes the back seat and bears the gossip with dignity .

..and so .

..and so it finally happened . The Potluck party which we were planning so much from such a long time which was eluded by so many and which i was so mad at having just for the fun of it , it happened . And i can say just 'wow'. I mean i thought it would be just another get together where men and women would gather in two dull groups where all the ladies would be telling the repeated things and the men would be talking about their jobs , visa status . But man ! what a surprise and what a hit . It was to be frank hilarious .

So when the dull groups huddled together , one lady suggested to play dumb sherads on telugu movies . It was very fun and all the shy participants also came out and did their job well and the most surprising round was the antakshari . The shyest person sang the most making music an all time favourite choice . I toiled hard near the stove to make malai kofta and bisi belle bath . The one i worked most hard on i observed was less taken by people and the most common one bisi belle bath was enjoyed more . The sad thing i don't have a single photo of the food .

and to the person reading my blog a big Hello ? kaha ho ??

??

..am wondering what is more boring .

1.sitting at home and seeing a snow blizzard in progress

2.listening to the prattle of bunch of ladies..

3.Sitting in the company of white people who don't know you

What could be worse ?

Hey I can run...

..though only for 2 minutes . So this thing about the gym is kind of working out and i actually managed to run or jog for 2 minutes which i like a record break for me since i felt at some point when the knee pains have increased from last year that i would never be able to run again .I already gave up on heels ( boo hoo ) which is important for some person of my height . But apart from all those reasons i can run and feel the my face bumping , hanging feeling like a hot bloated balloon unable to bear its own weight and floating up and up. ...i have this feeling for exactly two seconds before i see the guy /gal on either sides running at 7 miles/hour ..and then the hot air balloon slightly loses its bounce and settles for a brisk walk ....

..so for today its dooo ba doooba doooo...

Blogging and secrecy

It is quite strange that i can write only when i am alone and to this day of 1.5 years of marriage i did not share with hubby my blog .Mainly of course there are reasons ( i mean content ) .Hubby thinks i am a thorough negative writer from the glimpses he had while i was typing fastly or one day when i left the window open or when i was about to shut down and he zooms through the page in jet speed . He looks and says why should you write stuff when you cant share them .Ahemmm.. now i have been thinking of cleansing my blog of the negative content for very looong time . but it is yet to happen now and come out into this world from hibernation . But whatever i don't feel like doing it and then i cannot even write in sunshine blog because i cannot leave my old pal here .

and so this post is just to write this thing loud and write a hundred things which if i see now are all running to wards the negative sign .And so i am declared as one '-' writer.I will leave it here and just skip about the place ,look out of the window and squeal with delight and excitement over the beautiful landscape of snow , count my lucky stars at the wonderful events in my life , the cheating guys before my marriage , the stupidity at my belief in them , my own choices and the so called destiny of things happening. baah!!!

I did one good thing today.

..and so my lazy butt and I decided to go out today on the mission of making at least one round out from home ..and so i was in the library for the afternoon and was browsing through the magazines especially this one on yoga . yes i keep going back to things which i know a little bit about , there were many there but this one caught my eye somehow . SO i was going through this book and came across so many things for sale for yoga . Mats , yoga wear , gear for yoga pilates( the weird combination of traditional yoga and aerobics ) , the reason why so many Americans can maintain such slim figures . I realized one thing : these white skinned people can make a business out of anything . I mean to do yoga we need just one mat and then its your body .and so they have designer mats , pajamas , covers for the yoga mats , you name it they have it . And the magazine had the whole bunch of things for yoga and if i was not from India i would have thought that yoga has originated in US . They are into it soo much .So any way after going thorough them i picked some books from there and walked back to gym.

The one wonder of this place is even though so much snow is there around you , one small rain or one hot sun can dissolve it in 2 days . so the whole place was super slippery with the rain from morning and strangely it was not so chilly . It was fresh actually . So any way i managed to do one good thing today , have a good 30 mts walk.

oops ..and the new blog template is not working . ( Well I removed it ) , seemed too heavy for an ordinary blog !

Nothing much to write except that life is at a stand still .

It was so long ago!

Mom says 'Do you remember that day before marriage how it started to rain suddenly and there was so much work to be done around the house !

Me : Yeah , that was so long go! ( Really )

Bro says : How many times will you buy hard disks ? I brought just a year back one for you.

Me : Really ? that was so long ago!

I see the marriage pictures and wonder if it is just me all smiling and laughing wrapped up in a kind of innocence . Oh that was so long ago!

MIL : Is this the same dress that you wore when we came to see you ?

ME : Yeah its the same dress! That was so long ago.

Madhu : You remember the times when we used to spend money without a second thought ?

Me : (Sign ) . Yup I do . That was so long ago.

..Marriage does this to you .