OK..so I am out again and this time to realize that Life has moved in a huge chunk of time at a pace.So considering what is 2 months from now I realized that I have lagged behind in so many things for what I planned to be at 30.For one thing when I was 22 I was sure that by 30 I would be able to meditate for at least one hour in a row. I stopped meditating a loooong time ago. Looong time..my fathers voice keeps ringing to me ..on how meditation changed his life.

Music ..the one thing my father expected from me and from which I have always shy ed away. Total shy.

..and there is just 2 months from 30.

Having discussed the reason for everything with mom , I can understand one thing , people who are continuously in the thought of Holy things , go fast. It happened with my grandfather , grand mother and my father. They had the same temparment,same trust in God , same spirit .People who think of Him more go there quickly. The funny thing is in the last moments my fathers hands were folded as if he had seen or reached a point of bliss.And some thing else happened.

So to the questions of 'why?' this is the answer. But am I satisfied with it ? No. Mind will go back to it and I will take days to reconcile from the thoughts.The meaning of personal loss cannot be defined.

A reason for everything

..when i was married, I was often wondering what could go wrong now? I mean the major problem of finding the partner is done and the incessant smile on my dad's face was enough to keep things going. But the sixth instinct just smiled and gave me the idea that there would always be something to ponder on and feel sad about. I kept thinking about it for some time before shoving back into mind .The day i heard about dad'd illness I remember the exact cement brick i was sitting on sipping a fruity from hand. I was comfortable that it was just a small illness which most of the men have and nothing to raise a hell. But the exact moment i heard it , I remembered the smirky laugh of my sixth instinct. It was enough to raise an alarm inside my brain.Restless days and nights followed.Plain pain. But seeing my father in good moods always lifted some pain and he was very happy over the choice of his 'alludugaru'. But all the same it was a pain which i could not discuss with any one and it kept gnawing inside my brain. God the instincts of the mind are far faster than anything.

Finally i could not take the pressure of anything and moved to Chennai.The big smile on my parents face and their dropping to the bus stand will always be there in mind because there was huge sad undercurrent on that day, as if I was leaving for forever.

..and when ever there are happy moments and i look for some one to share it , I just remember my smirky instinct which laughs the same old smile.