2011 -Thank you

Wow. What an year! 2011 I salute to you. There are no enough thanks for this year.
From the point of low hope to the point of a great glee you made me see it all.The only regret, it went too fast for me to comprehend some things.But still a Thank you for all the wonderful things you gave me this year.

And then I write this.Not pretty much happening. Missing my work which filled the empty hours.Went to ladies get together to be much bashed up about work and my trips. Decided not to go anywhere for this week end. Sitting at home pretty much in the same fashion as I was before 2 years. No change in status quo except 2 years added to life.

The thing is you forget the past and attach romantism to it.When my brother told about the details of his first marriage proposal and its abrupt end it did not take me long to place my self in his heels. Well thats how life has/is been.

The winter here is reminding me of the days in minneapolis. The same tragedy stuck atmosphere.The same life less ness.Its the same in all aspects.

What sunlight can do to you..Came to LA /San diego and the sun and my work here has lifted the soul a little bit inspite of all the bumps recently.I do have some fast moving wheels in my legs.

..and then come those days when you absolutely do nothing but read Agathe Christe.Devouring page after Page and looking lost in the book.Love this week where everything is hazy and work seems to be so remote.
Went yesterday to Limerick a place famous for premium outlets in Philadelphia and the drive surprisingly turned out to be most refreshing.Springs ,high and low roads ,houses straight out of Victorian period left us both gasping and wondering of how beautiful the Pennyslvania valley is. The place we passed was called Phoenixville.

..and even after so many seeing deceptive appearances I still go for looks and deceptive appearances..!Well thats me for you.
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After much thinking I decided to give some 50$ more than expected and Vola !! I see a spark in my friends face...Well Its worth it i guess.

Cannot Stop.

..some where I read that you can make a conversation with a stranger as much as you can talk to a person while you are in elevator with them.And I fail miserably in it.In this world where people are prying for money,information and such stuff ..Though I know when I should stop..I just cannot stop.

..and it is not at all fair if I dont even mention my 'jet setting' life in the blog.I think in all this flying business I have touch base almost all major air ports in US.My favourite always being Las Vegas where Slot machines welcome you as soon as you land. :D.
Houston ,Dallas,LV,PHL,John Wayne,Denver,Newark,Chicago,Phoenix..I have been to all.

And now for the very good news : till date only 2 tickets have been approved my lovlies.

..and sometimes you wonder where you are.I mean 'Why'? Sometimes considering the problems we face , we could have been some monster in previous lives.

..and then of all the friends I have, I meet K from ICICI in West chester,PA. Quite a shock I should say. People who dont bother to keep in touch will suddenly pop up and surprise you more with their altered appearances. From the girl who would always wear Patiala to work to the the person who is staring now from blue lenses..From the girl who would be crying over her marriage to the girl who has married again within a span of 7 years ,she is one girl who makes me open my mouth and find it hard to shut again.

..and then I wait surreptitiously for the next thing to happen. The Fall or the Jump.Either of them ..I mean it has to happen now.Because Well its been 6 months in this project .To be precise 5.5 but all the same. I am not used to such kind of smugness you see.

....And then the saree cravings start. The little visions to see your self in sarees and matching bangles.

..and then suddenly the empty sweet apartment is shared by two more people.. or rather you are a guest in their home.Well, this can happen too.

To a Dear Friend who is worrying too much,

Just consider your self as a player in a big drama and have done the best in all the situations.Why should you worry so much my dear ..These issues are going to be for life and will follow us through ..
Just beat them with a smile and look at the result. Sing, Pray and Love.

Luv,KB.

Social Recluse : A state of being which is a result of being left alone in a crowd .A state which is reached because you do not have some thing in common with fellow human beings. It could be anything.Notably children have been seen as a primary reason for it.Some other factors include money status or some important thing which has much significance in the social hierarchy of humans.

You know its times to go back to hubby when you are caught looking at the profiles of single people!

Thank you.

When there is so much on the mind, but the words dont come in the right order.You type a few words and erase them in the same sequence..! Oh I just wish I was a prolific writer. And Face book did not exist.

...and there was no worry on the mind.Just cool happiness and a smiling lips.

My thank you note.

-Thank you god for the wonderful health and robust bone frame you have given me. thanks for giving me the strength to ride a bicycle for 3 kms to school without tramping on any one and rolling over.
-Thank you God for giving me a father who made my life one beautiful movie. Thanks for giving us the happiness of seeing him happy in the last year of his life.The rest of the debt I will repay one day.
-Thank you God for giving me a husband who cannot see me Not-smiling.
-Thank you for giving me a mother who is not only supportive but a pillar of strength.
-Thank you God for giving me the intelligence to ride a car and the courage to go alone on a highway.
-Thank you god for giving me a Job and a great manager.
-Thank you god for the wonderful friends in my life who have stood by me when it was most needed.
-Thank you God for gving me the right opportunities at the right time.
-Thank you god for being compassionte enought to feed me ,cloth me and for all the nice things.

Shit happens .......always!!!!!

I am bored of my food

..and keep dreaming of the tasty dishes cooked back home.This coupled with the tiredness of evening and added with laziness is making life tough. Just to taste the good food once...chutneys, curries,dal and majjiga pulusu ..just the mention of them makes some water to take a swim in the mouth and daze dreamily at the food in my plate.

Quite strange

A strange thing happened today. Some time back i was reading a blog called lalitha larking .It was quite some time back.. a year or two or more maybe.It was quite a different blog and for the first time i read Telugu poetry and some very interesting posts there. And after sometime i came to know that the blogger is no more.This was all sometime back like last year or something.
I was doing dishes and suddenly the word 'Lalitha larking' just passed in my mind. and I remembered from where I ended up into that blog.And see what I read here.
Somehow i cannot copy the link! .so go here !
www.withinandwithout.com/2011/08/parrot-for-lali.

Quite strange isn't it! Somehow we all end up always thinking of people who are not there around us.Some time about dad ,then his dad and then his grandfather.I never met his grandfather but from what I heard about him he made quite a impression on me.And my grandfather he passed away when i was one year old.It seems when i was born he showed me to neighbours like he got some big prize.Its like i know all of them personally. People dont realize the value of something as long as they have them.

There is some thing about beautiful hands and me..
I get engrossed in them...
A fair hand with beautiful nail paint..They seem to speak a language. They seem to be confident and arrogant. Stubborn and self contained...

The heart says to Go!

And then yesterdays shine is clouded by todays glum. Some times when I think i wonder is it worth it? I mean all this running after jobs and places.... and so after some very good thinking I have decided to quit in mid september which gives me 15 days to pack up and go and 15 days notice to the employer. ..I simply cannot stay without people and really its not worth it. I get lonely/depressed and start wondering again and again on the same things....! and for now the mind says to go...

..hoping that life is as planned and everything is fine at the end.
..we enter the fourth year of our marriage.Dont ask me what happened for 3 years...on normal lines I would have thought ..oh they finished 3 years and looks like no sign of ..ahem..ahem...But yes 3 years can happen without ...hmm....Well we finished 3 years in our life and well..3 years passed us.We kept looking at them and they seem to ignore us...we were there right at its heels for some attention but ..it had no time for us.When 3 years was so eventful in so many ways ..how would the coming time be?
..It passed by our heels and we dont seem to notice it...or did it pass and we didnt notice it.How did it pass by the way? It passed us ..or we passed it.My head's in a dizzy.Good that I tend to forget anniversary's...

..and then I keep peeping into mirror.I think just to assure some presence in the house and like hubby..I sit at one place with the laptop on my legs and keep on surfing the net..so unlike me.Fashion blogs..locations..work..man I dont very like it.

For a change I dont know why I felt very rested today.Maybe the effect of last weeks health issues have gone.Felt at peace at work and wished life would be like this.At peace...and when ever I get this feeling I move from the place.:-)

DIY

DIY.Thats the new mantra of life. what ever it is you have to DIY. ..and chanting like this I complete 2 weeks of my stay alone.Am i enjoying it? Ahem..To tell the truth I am enjoying only my driving..everything else is crap. I keep thinking and dreaming of all the ways to get to hubby.But just like last time I have only one option. Leave the job and Go.

I was walking to Subway foods in the afternoon and saw the redlight point where till last week I was crossing traffic thinking it would be my last day since the traffic in Anaheim is very rude..and now see it seems like so long ago.In reality its been 3 weeks since I stopped going by train . The long desolated walk patch from Anaheim station to work place where if I would turn my neck i cannot see a single soul except some random parking car. I had to cross the Angles stadium parking lot to go to main road.The first time we came just to have a look of how would the ride be from Irvine to Anaheim I said it would be very difficult to walk all the way and moved my head from one corner to another in a big NO.But then we get used to everything and just go with the flow. And then the walk back to hotel room from Irvine ..man a lot has happened in 3 months. And I am back to being alone and it is like yesterday when I was roaming in the flat in Chennai. I called my sis yesterday and she was asking has it been 6 months that I went. Its been 3.5 months now. LOL.
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As you might have all observed I have a lot of impatience inside me.Impatience to write one post in the blog completely..one job fully to its end.I find every work whether it is doing dishes or cooking food very boring and tiresome.I wonder when I will build the patience to just go about work without making much 'pshwas' about them.

And then there is just one laudry basket

..and I am alone again.Dont have the energy, will to explain but just to say that I am home alone again..and I join the league of people who watch movies alone,close ..sorry lock the door and check it 3 times..are mostly on phone and sleep alone.Pheew! what a sad story.

And finally 'The POST'

..I was talking to my sister-in-law and our discussion inadvertently shifted to the current happenings in our life.The modern life style is really effecting many couples in conceiving quickly.Our work timings,the pressure to build house..and then houses,the prestige of telling that we work in so and so MNC ...the domestic pressures from in laws..and mainly the work-life of both the spouse and husband..and after so much hard work the pressure of relocating..Its just not one thing.Our moms were quite lucky.When I discuss with mom the 'situation' she quickly diffuses by saying that its all temporary and just concentrate on the 'thing'.Or as my akka told..'chattam dani pani ade chesukuni pothundi'.I wonder what dad would have said if he had been now in our lives.His panic button and mine normally range in high degrees.He would just go to Gangapur and would say mostly to pray and live our life.May be he did not want to see this phase our lives and trouble himself with all the troubles of our lives.

Finally we brought the GPS and its making our lives slightly different.I wonder sometimes how God gave Kalyan the patience to deal with me.I am the dumbest of the dumb in dealing with situations.And its down right lowers my confidence.For a person who has always zoomed away into traffic with the confidence of a truck driver this confusion in traffic is insulting.May be I will become an expert one day.

A Driving Milestone

This is a great milestone in my driving life.Because I got a license of some kind.After failing two times...Kalyan's efforts have come to fruit with the Costa Mesa department approving me for license.It is simply a great feeling.Thanks to Minneapolis parking lots, Kalyan's patience with me..and the friendly license tester.Thank you God.

( This could be the shortest post..for the kind of effort that went into it.)

Many times I wonder how people have manged to stay in this country for such long periods of life.Without good friends . Not visiting home, no friends.Just a good life where u earn well and go on about like a lifeless statue..I agree even Chennai was no better. I did not have friends there also and was moving about lonely . But work place was good and very lively.All the gossip I missed at home I got it there.

There is my cousin here who has been staying here for the past 6 years.She has been at home from day one she has come here.No friends.No one to call her own.Just got used to life with her son and family and the US.A few days back i asked her to come to our place and the reason she gave as always made me quiet.She said that they were not planing any more visits for coming 2 years since they brought their home.Well....what ever.

So there is this little little girl who was always complaining and it needed a lot of effort from herside to remind of the fact that you should appreciate heaving shoes because there might be people who don't have legs.So she keeps saying this to herself and laughs at the way she can complain about every thing and anything under the sun.

Oh i have to cook , oh i have to walk to the end of the lane ,

oh this work can be boring but shudders at the thought of being work less

oh this sun it scorches your skin ..it was not long ago she was cursing the snow.

Oh this emptiness it can kill any one ..what about the continuous platter of unknown tamil from strangers?

Oh life is running fast..Ok so you want it to be slow ?

Oh this continuous gazing at the monitor? so where do you want to gaze you girlie.

Stopping complaining and start living.

Tell me O reader what do you do when you are in trouble. Trouble which cannot be shared with any one. Things which you cannot talk to anyone.I guess we blog.And so here it goes.

It was lot of trouble coming here to US this time unlike last time where we had kept every thing at home and just took the flight. It was way lot of trouble. Ask anyone who shifts houses what is it like and there is only one word to it. Nightmare.So after the long night mare of dumping a house and hiding furniture its not fair if we are asked to move places so soon. And its equally not fair if you cannot talk about it.

..well i am intending to write some snippets of things which might not be anything but just a useless banter.So today saw us trying to go out of the room somewhere just to see life outside the Hotel. So after an after thought for a movie we finally ended up going to Irvine spectrum , a mall very near to our place. We were just roaming around and I was soaking up the fashion of the people around me when we bumped into hubby's friends. As usual is the case, they were recently married and coochey coo in love kind of talk. We saw the roundabout ride and I wanted to go on it since the lat time in Minneapolis i ended up just taking pictures of it. So there we were two girls on the tigers and elephants happily going on a ride with 2 and 3 year olds, they taking a kind of pride seeing us all excited and themselves composed with their mommies and daddies. So after the three dollar ride we just moved about and the smart people that we people are, they finally managed to take us to walmart though actually we did not have anything to buy.

They shopped for 2 solid hours. I remember the last time in MN when some one like this took us to the Walmart we finished shopping in 20 minutes.Actually they did not want to get the message even though I kind of signaled them to finish the shopping early.

the good things today : went for my 20 minute walk. Went to mall and saw things which i did not see before. Saw the most fashionable people.

Not so nice things: had to spend so much time @ walmart.Got disappointed in his friends.

..I can only say that laptop and face book are growing too much on me. Too many updates, too many pics and too much actually show off from many .Hubby says i log in too many times. The empty hours are making me do that.Its been just 15 days since i came here.

I wonder what would be my last thoughts before the soul leaves the body. If I will see some small snippets of life gone by or will it will be a passage down a dark lane. I think the soul would leave the body with a great effort trying its way to work things out till the last minute but when it knows it has to leave it will just leave it in a micro second since its done anyway and it would not like to loose more time than needed.And then it would just hop round a little bit with its new found freedom.Just roaming around places and people it could not be with.

I wonder what I would see. May be a glimpse of childhood.Me talking gibberish in childhood with mom and dad. They listening and laughing.Dad taking me for scooter rides when i would cry. mom combing my hair.me running to catch the school van in front of a friends house.Cycling down the roads. Laughing with aunts.Fighting with brother.Me crying because teacher hit brother.Singing.Falling in love.Heart break.OOPs. Its been a long journey.

Arre Yaar! I am tired.

Yes I am. Really tired. Looking back now we had an almost perfect setting in Minneapolis. Nice house, good utilities, friendly neighbours who would respond to a call.A very bad but fast car.Some comforts which we got with some trouble. An addition i managed to get a job. A fairly good one.Not well fetching but OK for the time being.What did I do to loose all that?Did i deserve that kind of relocation where i sweat to sell everything and go. Its still like yesterday.I remember the day when it was my birthday and I was grand 30 years.Alone in an almost empty house sleeping on the floor.I asked one neighbour of mine to take some pics just to record some moments of the day. no grand party or some get together or some cake cutting or some outing some thing ..but i need to solace myself that things are better than the previous year when i lost the most important person in life.

So we move back to India, to sweaty places and struggle to relocate and move within the place.Again setting up the home and struggle.New job, new people, new company to work, new politics. All against me. only thing is this time i find a job quickly , thanks to some thing called 'recession is over'. its not even 10 months down the lane and there i am again moving things out. Again.

I am back to being jobless and bore dome. Back to staring out of the window.Calls to home in the morning.Something to talk and nothing much to say actually.I am tired of this relocating business.frankly.between countries.Only nice thing in this whole business was we repaid kalyan's loans from the past.At least i am thinking its because of me and my small jobs.My moving and my moving jobs.I am tired.

Have you been in love with some one ,

Felt his breath near your ears,

A silent whisper from his eyes to yours,

with a caress and a silent kiss.

Have you ever been in love with anyone,

the mad ecstasy of the heart fluttering ever on,

no reason , no thought

just pure love.

A silent wind suddenly reminded me of days gone by,

when a smile told me yes , i love you too.

Food for the starved person

2010 was the weight loss year for me.

So mom has come to revive my health and make me the 'round' chubby girl before marriage. This post is to note the food item she will/has/ would make for me as a part of my health revival plan.

Day one :

1.Potlakaya koora , Sorakaya pappu

Day two :

1. Chamadumpa koora, tomato pappu

Night : Dosa

Day three : We went for mega shopping of vegetables.

So all the veggie shopping has made this starved girl all the more hungry.

Morning :- Sorakaya koora, Mudda pappu, majjiga pulusu ( Yummmmy )

Night : Beerakaya Pacchadi, Alugada vepudu.

Man i Guess i did not eat so much home food in two years. Thanks Mummy.

Day 4 : Totkoora pulusu.

Night : Dosa and curd rice

Day 5 : Paatoli and sambar.

Night : Cabbage curry and Coconut chutney.